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Burning Bridges to Light the Way

Out now. Burning Bridges to Light the Way features all new, never before published content from the author of The Internet is a Playground.
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Buy your own television, Derek

You’re not the boss of GoFundMe campaigns. I’m allowed to raise money for whatever the fuck I want.
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Ten Stupid Questions

Any remaining Interview time, that would otherwise be wasted on chatting, can be spent sitting quietly avoiding eye contact.
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Missing Missy

I opened the door and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not too busy you could make a poster for me.
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That’s not how it works

I’m not sure how to make this any clearer. You do not have permission to promote your book in B&N stores or interact with B&N customers in any way.
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Easter Play Permission Slip

Although an advocate of people being entitled to their beliefs, I seem to have developed some form of mental glitch that makes me want to punch Daryl’s fat head.
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Ten F26-A Formal Complaints in six months

After receiving three, you are meant to have some kind of formal meeting between the parties involved but this never happened.
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Justin’s Floodlight

I’m not surprised you get along well with the neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down’s syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging.
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Overdue Account

I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust this settles the matter.
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Simon’s guide to shopping at IKEA

Hello, my name is Simon and I love IKEA so much I want to marry it. Can you believe the prices on glass tea light holders?
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Obviously a foggot

As it is more acceptable for men in West Virginia to hold guns than hands, I will assume the term ‘shooting me in the face with your .32’ is not a euphemism.
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Please design a logo for me. With pie charts. For free.

I quite like Simon, he is like the school teacher that would pull you aside after class and list every bad aspect of your personality while you nod and pretend to listen.
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Things Holly and I Have Argued About

A story of conflict and concession. Kind of like the movie Rain Man except nobody knows how to count cards.
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It just needs to be more branded

Art is subjective. Dropshadows lift the type off the page as if they are 3D. You probably don’t even know how to do them.
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Dear Customer, I hope you fall and break your neck.

I know you are responsible for the advertisement. Are you going to pay for the extra staff I had to put on to take all the phone calls?
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Dear Neighbour, you are not invited to my party

A few weeks ago, a guy moved into the apartment across from me. I know little about him apart from the fact that he owns cane furniture.
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Opinions are like nipples.

It’s my most fervent opinion that you need to find a highly skilled psychiatrist post-haste and I have left a review on Amazon warning potential buyers.
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Statements my offspring has made

One moment he will state something that catches me off guard with its clarity, then the next something that causes me to think he may be mentally handicapped.
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You have to do your timesheets. Everyone does.

I missed you while you were away. To counter this, I placed a plank of wood in your chair and wrote ‘Simon’ on it. He said I could use your stuff.
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Xmas CD

More proof that you really are a complete moron. A whole CD of you humming? I hope you sank a lot of money into this and starve to death.
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25 minutes on Chatroulette.com

For every ten video connections, eight were fat men playing with their penis. It was possibly the most pointless website I have ever been on.
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I wish I had a monkey

This list omits Jetski monkey, Boiling water monkey and Battlestar Galactica Monkey but covers the basic best kinds of monkeys.
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The ducks in the bathroom are not mine.

I can’t have pets in my apartment due to the Strata agreement and the fact that they would need to be fed and taken for walks.
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Massanutten. Water slides, mini-golf and bears.

I checked with Carol at the mini golf hut and no pants were found on the fence. I doubt any of that really happened.
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One thousand characters

Writing rubbish on the internet amuses me. There is often a limit of 1000 characters per post so every story has to be within a small paragraph.
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Education should always come secondary to discipline

Just letting you know that Seb bought a flash drive to school yesterday and copied a game onto the computers which is against the school rules.
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Simon’s good ideas for websites

Hello, my name is Simon and I have compiled a list of my good ideas for websites that would definitely make lots of money. Do not copy these ideas.
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Magic 8 Ball Wednesday

I sent an email to a friend recently, asking several different questions, and he replied with the single answer “Yes, probably.”
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Shannon eats lunch

Due to an extendable jaw and high acidic saliva levels, I have found that consuming an orange whole and digesting it over many hours requires no effort at all.
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The Oprah Interview

Oprah Winfrey interviews David Thorne of 27b/6 in this revealing and intimate one on one converstaion about cats, Lucius and train wrecks.
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Lifesize Lucius™

It seems I may have indicated in a previous post that the purchase of a certain product comes with a free Lifesize Lucius™ doll.
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Working out with Jeff

As I am constantly told I am too skinny, last year I paid four hundred and twenty dollars to join a gym. I attended twice.
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Barnesyfan67

I own a Teac television because they’re the best. It was ninety dollars but I talked them down to seventy five and got two VHS video’s with it.
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Lucius caught in Nigerian email sex scam

Local captain of most teams, including the Lucius Thaller fan club, is safe after his ‘safari to riches’ became a living nightmare.
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Do you have a MacBook Pro?

I own a MacBook Pro. It’s ok if you don’t own a MacBook Pro because MacBook Pro’s are only for creative people.
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Breakthrough medical operation gives new hope for Thomas

It was widely considered that Thomas’s head, if allowed to expand further, would develop its own gravitational field affecting planetary rotation.
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Anyone for tennis?

No? Well we are playing tennis anyway. Hello, my name is Holly and I love playing tennis. Not with David though because he cheats.
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Roz loves Adelaide

Only in a backwards town like Adelaide would you get dickheads who would write crap like you. You cant even write well. Little dick typical male.
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Hello, my name is Lucius & I would like you to sign for this box

If you have a box and you want it to go somewhere, I will come and get it and take it there instead of you having to do it yourself.
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Working in the design industry is like being a dirty robot whore.

Sometimes I imagine I am a robot programmed not to realise I am a robot and if the code word ‘quantifiable’ is mentioned, I will explode.
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Frogs

We would take a frog and insert one of those thin fruit box straws into its anus and blow it up like a balloon. Sometimes the frogs would burst.
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One girl, twelve cups

Due to there being an unprecedented twelve coffee cups in the sink, Shannon is outraged by this intrusion on her looking out the window time.
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Kaleth the Adelaide gothic

I am a creature of the night which is why my friends and I stand in the middle of the Mall during the day discussing bats and being misunderstood.
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Sponsor a poor black boy

He stinks and ate a rat with maggots today.
How would you like it?
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Carol Brady’s haircut please

It has been rumoured that Thomas takes a photo of Carol Brady to the hairdresser but as this evidence shows, the two haircuts have major differences.
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Bill’s guide to the internet

Hello, my name is Bill and this is my guide to the internet. Everything on the internet is rubbish but I will try to pinpoint the main areas to avoid.
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Professional photography tips with Thomas

There is no need for even a basic photography course because once you buy a digital camera you will be a professional photographer like me.
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I’m a good drawer

Hello sir, my name is Jason and I was wondering if your company would be interested in a good drawer? No? Thankyou for your time.
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sheep™

I’ve always wanted a tattoo but considered people who get tattoos as sheep. As such, there was only one choice of tattoo to be branded with.
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Lillian gets a new mouse

In the tradition of Catch 22 or the chicken or the egg, Lillian will have to use her mouse to access any emails warning her not to use her mouse.
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Tom the Sad Caveman

While in a bad mood with Thomas after being told off for wasting time, Lucius printed and added the voice bubble in just four hours of work time.
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More articles

More emails, more articles, more cats, more exclusive content by New York Times Bestselling author David Thorne..
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